21Recognizing
The narcissistic abuse cycle: why I kept going back to the beginning
Idealize, devalue, discard, hoover. Four words that describe the loop I lived in — and why knowing the pattern did not, on its own, get me out.
Oct 6, 2026 · 8 min
Christina Holt · Memoir in progress
The memoir
behind the mask
A stranger-than-fiction memoir about a relationship that looked like love — and the obsession that followed when it ended. The Innocence We Leave Behind is the true story of survival, reckoning, and reclaiming a self I barely recognized.
The book — out this fall
The Innocence We Leave Behind
A stranger-than-fiction memoir about a relationship with a covert narcissist who seemed, for a long time, like exactly what I wanted. After the breakup, the charm curdled into obsession — and the campaign to destroy my life began. This is the story of the mask, the breaking, and the slow, stubborn work of finding my way back.
From Chapter I
"She was the most attentive woman I had ever met, until I saw how closely she was attending to my every weakness. By then, the person I used to be had already started to disappear."
- IThe Life Before
- IIThe Mirror
- IIIThe Breaking
- IVThe Reckoning
Writing
New essays roughly twice a month. Dispatches from recognizing it, leaving it, and living after it.
20Legal
Legal help for survivors: what I wish I had known before the first filing
Where to find free or low-cost legal help after abuse, what to ask a lawyer, and how to protect yourself when the court system itself becomes the weapon.
Oct 6, 2026 · 8 min
17The middle
The grey rock method: how I became boring on purpose
I stopped having opinions, stopped having news, stopped being interesting. It worked better than anything else I tried — until it didn't.
Oct 5, 2026 · 7 min
About
Christina
Christina Holt is an entrepreneur, systems engineer, and author.
Backed by a diverse background that spans international Grand Prix equestrian sport, enterprise cybersecurity, and corporate governance, she brings a distinct, multi-layered perspective to navigating high-stakes conflict.
In her writing, Christina chronicles the harrowing experience of surviving an ex-partner's calculated campaign to dismantle her personal and professional life through legal manipulation. Combining her academic foundation in anthropology and management information systems with relentless discipline, she explores the psychological toll of institutional abuse, the vulnerabilities of the legal framework, and the endurance required to rebuild from the ground up.
The first chapter, free
Join the letter and I'll send you Chapter I of The Innocence We Leave Behind, plus new essays as they publish.